Pre-Second Year Woes

The excitement of starting second year is beginning to really wear thin. 

After taking my first year exams, the results were in. I woke up that morning and reflected on my performance at university in general:

I looked back and I remember feeling so bad, so worried about whether I'd even passed or the thought of having to resit an exam and ruin my holidays. The run up to my exams wasn't very good, in the sense that I'd left it very late and I didn't have much time to go over the content to do as well as I could've. I painfully recall the few weeks running up to each exam and how they felt the hardest; it was the panic of working my way through the handouts again and again until I felt somewhat confident in memorizing and understanding the material. There was even a point I considered eliminating handouts which seemed difficult, just to feel I'd lighten the workload. I thought myself, why hadn't I gone over this earlier? Why had I been so stupid? I had hardly left the house in those two months and when I came back to university to sit my exams, my friends commented on how much weight I had lost. I remember forgetting to eat at some points, and I remember crying every day at how scared I was I might fail. It was also a time I opened up to my mum, which is not something I normally and naturally do, but have learned I should do more often. 

I sat my exams and I got through them - but just. Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! The utter happiness I felt when it was over, I walked out of that Physical Biochemistry exam and felt absolutely elated. I knew I did my best, I knew that whatever I got, I'd be happy because I knew I gave it 110%. It felt indescribable, I remember calling my best friend, and telling them I'd finished, I remember it was one of the first things I did. Do you remember? I counted my blessings. My best friend was there throughout it all, to listen to every phone call without fail when I was studying, when they should have been studying. I taught them genetics in order to teach myself and without fail they went over my 500 flashcards every night. And that person was still there to pick up the phone when it was all over. I am eternally grateful to that person! Alhamdulillah for people like that in our lives, they're absolutely wonderful and such blessings. 

And so, around 20 days after my last exam, I headed up to my Tutor's Office and waited outside the door. I remember him calling me in, and sitting me down. It was a very short talk, but how I liked it. All I wanted to know was how I had done: a grade, a number, a percentage, anything. A 2:1, 67.5%, he said to me. Alhamdulillah. I remember thinking how had I have done so well? It was a high 2:1, only 2.5% short of a first class. I took a deep breath and I sighed, thanking him. I left university so incredibly happy and humbled that day.

After my results, the unwinding began to kick in. I became lazy and I did nothing, but at the same time I did everything. Everything non-university related. I immersed myself in work outside university, in friendships, in going places and eating. And it's led me to this now.. the point where I've enjoyed it so, so much that I'm afraid to go back. A month ago, I felt excited to go back - well, the thought of going back (probably because it was a month away). But now that the new semester starts next week (possibly, I still don't have a timetable, eek!) I'm not looking forward to it. I'm scared of letting go of all the fun I had and dipping a toe back into that vicious cycle again.